Community & Fitting In

I've been in San Antonio, TX now for nearly three weeks and my plan is to stick around for another week or so. My hosts and friends here have shown me a degree of hospitality that gives new meaning to the word. My experiences here have been closely connected with Christians in both the Mennonite and Catholic faiths and I've attended services with both congregations. While I feel much more at home with the Mennonites, I'm so glad to have experienced the ACTS Catholic Mens' Retreat last weekend.

I had a hard time connecting to some of the Catholic ritual and tradition. The reciting of the Our Father and Hail Mary prayers, for example, stirred no deep, spiritual feelings in me. The experience of Confession, one of the seven Holy Sacraments, was very powerful for me. I was able to share some heavy burdens with a wonderful priest who helped me achieve a greater degree of forgiveness and self-acceptance than I imagined was possible. The men I met opened up to one another and became vulnerable in a very real and beautiful way. I was honored to witness and experience small pieces of their lives as they shared their stories and struggles. I also found them to be extremely supportive of my spiritual journey.

After returning to the home of Paul and Katherine Hess, my generous hosts who invited me to participate in the ACTS retreat, I received an invitation from Hannah Eash and her community in SE San Antonio to spend some time living with them. I took them up on the offer and the experience has been outstanding. The Mennonite Church they attend just finished a three week series of sermons, discussions, and intentional prayer time based on Henri Nouwen's book, "Reaching Out." I flew through the book in order to take part in some of the discussions and learn what Nouwen had to say about the three movements of the spiritual life: from loneliness to solitude, from hostility to hospitality, and from illusion to prayer. These are all ideas that I've spent much time contemplating and Nouwen's reflections offered me much more focused and refined food for thought. I want to look at the latter two movements.

First, moving from hostility to hospitality is something that I am currently experiencing in the "Vine House" community that has been hosting me for the last week. Nouwen's call is for community to be a place that invites in a stranger, not to be changed by or to conform to the way of the community, but to have space to find a more authentic way of being. That is exactly what I've found here. This colorful, comfortable house has been opened up to me as the three residents, Phillip, Hannah, and Michelle all go to work during the day. I am free to come and go as I please, to take part in meals or not, to be engaged or not. However, I also feel very welcomed and wanted here and there is a profound level of mutual respect and care for and between everyone in the community.

Now I'm comparing this new sense of community with some of the teachings I learned in Australia on the Divine Love Path. I just read a new blog by Mary, one of the teachers of Divine Love, all about our need to fit in and how this aching feeling pushes and pulls us all over as we seek to find "our place" and "our people." These are terms I've used often in the last few weeks as I try to explain to people what it is that I'm looking for. I want to find my place. And what does that mean? I want to fit in. And what does that mean? I don't want to feel the painful emotion of not belonging. I feel queasy as I write this because I really don't know what to do with these emotions. In the last few days I've been feeling more confident about eventually returning to Indiana, working on a community garden project, and then going out to Gould Farm to do some work. But when I spend some time reading and listening to Divine Love teachings, I realize just how deeply my motivations come from fear. The fear of not being accepted by friends and family. The fear of not belonging to a place. The fear of not having enough food or money or safety or support. The fear of feeling my emotions.

Nouwen points to God and the movement from illusion to prayer. I hold on to some hope that I can be part of normal society, maybe be part of the Mennonite Church and carve out a little life for myself somewhere like San Antonio. But God is not really at the center of these plans and desires. I say that I want to know my God and experience her love, and yet my actions prove otherwise. I have been using cookies and other foods to numb out the painful feelings and I have such minimal desires to really examine myself, my motivations, and my true emotions. I am doing better today and I want to move forward with stronger, purer intentions to rely on my Divine Mother's Love instead for comfort and healing. Nouwen suggests that prayer is something that cannot be separated from community life; that in order to move from illusion to prayer we must engage in this Divine Communion privately and always within the context of a supportive, prayerful community. I love this idea and it makes some sense to me. It doesn't necessarily contradict the Divine Love teachings either.

My future plans are to move to the home of Lisa and Clinton on Wednesday and to stay there for at least another week. I don't have any definite plans for the future, but I would still like to see the Grand Canyon and possibly visit some other friends and folks in Colorado. I have some fear about going west and out into the cold desert. Is my sleeping bag warm enough? Will I have enough food and water? These will be good tests of my faith and I pray that I continue to walk with God. I'll end with this Hesychast Prayer that Nouwen suggests, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me." Although the language is not something I'm accustomed to, I have found it powerful and humbling.